Old Self
I miss my old self. I’ve changed so much over the past several years. I’m a little bit less immature (or so I hope), less thinking about what other people think of me, and less pleasing other people. But I miss my old self still. Some parts of me that I need to have right now but gone.
I miss that old self where I’m full of motivation. I knew what I want and I worked hard for it. I prayed day and night for my dreams. But what I got are lessons. And those lessons changed me.
Nowadays, I feel like I’m floating on everyday routines. I’m confused. I’m no longer certain about what I want. All the things I believed turned out to be not like what I thought they would be. I was so naive.
I feel like a failure. All the failures I’ve been through in the past made me lose my passion.
Today, I know what is important and what is not. I know what is work-life balance and that sort of thing. I want peace. But I want a fire to fuel my energy. I don’t have it right now. It’s like I’m awakened. I know now what is healthy and what is not for me. What my priorities are. It’s just up to me to make the choice. Should I stay like this in my comfortable area where I get my peace or should I strive as I used to despite realizing that hard work doesn’t always align with the finish line? Can I endure that? Other failures? Can i reach the goal?
I used to dream to be extraordinary. But the more I grow up the more I realized I’m just like anybody else. We are special on our own way. I still just don’t know how to define my extraordinary.
At school the stepping stones are clear. You have to pass some standarized tests and follow a set of rules. The guideline is there. But in the real world everything is blurry. The road forks. You have to make the choice. You have to make the actions. You have to be the one who create the path.
And I’m struggling with that.
I don’t know if those dreams I haven’t achieved are still worth to fight. I know I still want it, but why can’t I be like in the past? Full of hopes and believe I will get them.
The parts of me that changing overshadows the parts that I still need to push me. It’s complicated.
Hopefully I can find myself again soon.
