2023 Reflections
I told myself that I wanted to be honest on this platform and share my experiences and feelings as raw as possible. And here we are.
I think 2023 is one of the hardest years for me. A lot of things happened. Even though they weren’t all bad, many joyful circumstances occurred as well, but I kind of ended that year with difficult feelings. So the painful things were the most remembered.
A big transitional event took place last year. I finally graduated from college. It was such a huge thing because all the stress that came from writing my final thesis was finally gone. But of course, it was also a milestone to take me to another position in my life. The source of another stress and anxiety.
I understand this period is crucial and plays an important role in shaping who I willbe in the future. So I want to capture all the turmoils, confusions, dilemmas, and every reason that I’m going to make.
One of the lessons I got from last year is that good things take time. There was one situation where I felt very low because I didn’t get to where I wanted. But something better happened. I realized that If I didn’t get it late, then I wouldn’t have this amazing thing. It was all because of Allah. I felt very very blessed and grateful. Another thing lost, and then Allah gave me something more, something that I never imagined I would have an opportunity to. But again, it was because of Allah. Therefore, I welcome this new year with full submission to His timings.
Before I understood this, I felt really bad about myself. My mind was full of unpleasant things. I didn’t feel like getting out of bed in the morning. I didn’t have any energy even to shower. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to be left alone in my own thoughts and was very sensitive. I never really told anybody this, because I didn’t think they’d understand and add to their burdens. I released them to other things. But, they were negative coping mechanisms.
Thankfully, after all those tough times, I realized I needed to find more positive activities to fall into. So I reconnected with my old hobbies. The hobbies where I put aside for years because I wanted to focus on my education.
They work wonders. I started to feel more light. My mind focuses on other things. I have a goal again, but without pressure this time, because I just want to enjoy. I can be myself again. While waiting for something that I want to happen, I don’t need to stumble into despair.
Another reason for my peace of mind is kind of personal. But after I went through those rough mindsets and everything, I finally went to Allah. I seek His comforts. I tried to relearn the concepts that I knew all my life but never really grasp into. Simple things such as: “Allah will find a way for you”, “You are not the one who needs to find the solution to your problem, it is Allah’s Job”, and “Allah knows what’s best for you”.
Despite being taught about them throughout my life, I never really understood or practiced tawakkal. No one really teaches me what it means to fully submit to His timings, to really believe in Him until your worries go away. They just said that ‘it will work out in the end’, ‘just wait’, ‘don’t stress’, and ‘just pray’. But no one really tells you how, right?
I do believe in fate and destiny and hard work and prayer and eventually getting great results. But as days go by, I understand that the result is not always linear to your hard work. You can give your blood, sweat, and tears, but it is not always going to end like what you expect. This realization is a very hard pill to swallow.
So I go to the very thing that I really should be looking at the start of everything, Allah. I try to fix my connection to Him. To really put my trust in Him. I’m tired of putting my expectations on this world, so I put them on Him. The Best of Planner. The Owner of everything in this world. I am submitting to His timings and plans. And I never feel at ease as I am right now.
I used to be stressed if I didn’t get what I worked for. But these days, whenever I don’t get something I want, I know something greater will come. If I fail at something, Allah knows it is not for me. Allah will grant my prayers, with or without the same thing. If it is something different, then that is what’s best for me.
The answer is in front of me all this time. Very near for me to grasp. But maybe, I’m just too blinded by the world and drowned in my expectations as to not see it.
